| (no subject) |
[15th January 2009|11:18 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| |  sad | ] |
Rest in peace, Mister Sut. We love you.
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| sorry, sorry, sorry |
[9th January 2009|09:35 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| |  aggravated | ] |
Things are odd [as usual]. Nerdiness up, mood down. Money way down, and frustration about it way up. Knitting less than I would like but more consistently than I ever have, methinks. Adore my niece. Having qualms with large groups of people that I want but that don't want me the way I am. Ercell sneaked an X-mas gift - the collectible Beedle the Bard (!). Missing people; a guilty sort of detachment that turns my insides. Ercell seems to think I could write juvenile literature. Reading, listening to more classical music. Painting, though not at all well (should stick to ink). New glasses. New tattoo. Getting fatter and I only mind not fitting into my own clothes. Worried I'll be fired soon because my mistaken demeanor is more important to my supervisors than the quality of my work ... but my best is all I have to offer, and I won't miss it if that's not good enough. Set up wedding cake plans with Charm City. Still require : clothing, bouquets, centerpieces (non-floral), linens, catering, and invitations. Writing that out makes it feel worse. The apartment's a mess. Yoga is ... I'd like to try pilates. Wii. iTunes' selection angers me.
When we were in Baltimore this week we visited the aquarium. It was wonderful and there were lots of birds! Much as I had dealt with the elementary school crowds we didn't expect (weekday in the off-season), we came upon an octopus and stood open-mouthed as chaperones said, "disgusting; look at its ugly face," to children whose first encounter with such a creature was probably that day. When a child picked up on the hate teachings enough to repeat them, she was standing beside me and I couldn't help myself - saying benignly, "nope, that's a pretty face!" I have no shame in judging shitty guardians. |
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| lovely |
[28th August 2008|10:58 am] |
Today the left side (Burruss) of our Drillfield is fraught with Alpha Gams - I was happy to pass three of us (even though I said "you" to Amber) on the way to Newman Library. In related issues, I quite enjoy having all my lectures within the same four-hour block of time every morning starting at 8am. Immel suggests to his depression charges walks as a form of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and I am starting to wane in trust for the effectiveness of psychoactive drugs. Again. Environmental change is the only effective way to abide desirable emotion and ideas.
Yesterday recommended a peculiarly nice evening. There is some conflict with my meal plan being applied to my Hokie Passport but I did not realize this until meeting the register in Owens Dining Hall. Resolved to pulling out my credit card it was revealed that such methods were not accepted there. Ercell only had $9 in cash so we stood there, bewildered, until someone that had come upon the event offered to pay for both our meals. I wish now that I had hugged her - in my opinion, it is a more personal and genuine sign of thanks. We ended up going to Christiansburg and despite having forgotten what we meant to visit Target for (a drying rack) were met with pleasant surprise there, too. Having only ventured to eat dinner I brought next to nothing with me (phone, ID, and credit card) but remembered that I would like to find a new photo album since that we just had all those nice pictures printed (we made a collage of Boston's birth day and it works beautifully). I suggested Michael's would have a nice selection but remembered having forgotten my 20% off coupon at home and was dejected to find that no such discount could be offered, even by the cashier who remembered giving it to me. I decided to go ahead and buy the thing since I would have not money or time to go again into town until next week when the attendant (with whom I've always experienced good manners) gestured that I follow her. We traversed the store to the "back" and waited for her outside the break room doors. When she returned, she bore not only a 40% off coupon but also a gift coupon (designated from employees for their friends) worth 25% off an entire purchase starting next week! I was so thankful that my eyes got misty, as how can I have deserved all this, and I embraced her twice because, really, there is so little that can be said to satisfy my sort of gratitude and regard for simple kindness. She and the other lady had been so obliging and generous that I thought I shouldn't be meant for reception; I believe that 'til now I have slighted to bad and erred much that can be called "learning". Perhaps it is true that children are born evil, though not for reasons originally suspected - a matter of inexperience, we can do not much but destruction until understanding.
We came home to watch The Royal Tenenbaums (my first viewing), which changed my Halloween costume resolve for the fourth time this year (in truth I have lost count). I have since occasioned to be Margot! And how this style of communicating has come about I can only suggest at finishing The Picture of Dorian Gray, being in a perpetual state of mid-Utopia, and always being engaged by Fahrenheit 451. All of these being first reads for me, I must say my progress is astonishingly changed from the way I used to practice. Wonder if it were Pride & Prejudice that ignited me this summer. I would call myself a Janeite if that title did not garner misunderstanding and dislike (considering the work within which it first lived). By the bye, the Kiera Knightley film version of the classic is awful excepting that wonderful Mr. Darcy as a character ... the actor fares quite well here. I am meaning to watch the BBC version soon. I recommend Emma Thompson's Sense & Sensibility though I have not read it and Becoming Jane for amusement despite its speculative flaws.
Oh, and dearest Johnny, could you repeat your post address slowly? I am at the moment confused by it. And I keep forgetting to ask (or re-ask) everyone else's. James is gone to Afghanistan for a year. |
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| (no subject) |
[4th August 2008|04:28 pm] |
One more reason to loathe synthetic fibers : the combination of minimal sweat and a 95% polyester/5% spandex shirt makes my armpits smell as though something died in them. As I personally do not find this effect appealing, my nature tells me I must donate all such garments to those who might.
Humour aside, it's not that I don't appreciate what I have; I have always entertained the idea of being free from attachments and while I'm endeavouring to be minimalist, I might as well be a. charitable and b. living up to sustainable and humanitarian beliefs. To be sure, some people don't mind sacrificing Earth and sweatshop labor conditions to fashion. I do.
I would prefer to give the clothing I decide to rid my wardrobe of to a non-profit organization, but since Amy suggested Diversity Thrift my thoughts have turned in favor of the reputable business.
Looking for recycled printer paper I came across many "[company] has saved [number] trees" statements. Not spending is not the same as saving and it's pointless to compare real and imaginary avenues. I want to know how the sheer economic benefit of using recycled material escapes corporations (think in terms of quality - you are what you support).
"You should not din into people's ears odd and peculiar language which you know will have no effect on those who believe otherwise, but rather by indirection you should strive and struggle as hard as you can to handle everything deftly, and if you cannot turn something to good at least make it as little bad as you can." - Sir Thomas More's Utopia (translated) |
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| yes you |
[19th July 2008|01:42 am] |
I will never eat another piece of bacon again. Harsh, decisive words though these are, I must not forget how insufferable the discomfort it gave way to tonight was. It is not even healthy; Ercell doesn't consume it anyhow. True, it is only tasty when properly cooked and that to find is rare.
Fuck China, male-only mandatory armed service registration, and not realizing my headlights aren't turned on (also, not knowing why I'm being pulled over). I don't enjoy smugness and yes, while I should be familiar with my vehicle it's but onemonth old and the use of correct beams escaped my attention. I saw a positively clean-looking strip club when I turned down a wrong street coming home from Lauren's apartment. Also fuck headaches and freshly-blurred vision.
If going overseas means your liver will work just long enough for you to figure out you're woefully wrong in passing all your time with stupor, I can accept your absence. Just as when you say "faggot" or make light of women's oppression, I hope that one day you'll see how detrimental you've been.
I am so glad to be in touch in all forms and with deserving persons who love me despite the fact I am an accident waiting to happen and awkward to boot. Won't you have tea with me? |
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| (no subject) |
[15th July 2008|09:10 am] |
| [ | I feel |
| |  distressed | ] |
My memory is not soon rid of the sounds I heard while thrashing on my gurney; "pistol whipped", of a man who entered the waiting area with a copy of Green Eggs and Ham and a washcloth to his mouth, "where can I get a hot dog" by the old man that lay at my right up until an hour or so before we were discharged and the ravenous cough of the person who replaced him, all the beeping I'd never learn to recognize ... I was given morphine and something for nausea. I tasted even the saline used to cleanse my IV tubes like a thick, cold cloud in the back of my mouth. Unlike last time I had an IV, my arm stayed reasonably warm. At any minute I could have attempted escape; something in my blood had made me more anxious than ever and I was hot and needed to leave (though as was later proven, I would not have managed well on my own).
I always regarded "give yourself an ulcer" as a metaphor and some of my findings suggest I still should but my consistency makes me wiser. It had to manifest itself somehow, right? I needed to pay attention sooner ... as though the encapsulating pinches in my spine, breathlessness, and an unusual fondness for sleep weren't enough. I am only seeing a counselor today but in time I hope to change up medications (if only for the benefit of my environs) that will treat anxiety more forcefully. But I don't approve of anything that would prevent my enjoyment of grapefruit juice.
I've nervously made deposits for our rings (Brilliant Earth) and our venue (Hanover Arts & Activities Center). We are crossing our fingers for a reasonable cake fee (Charm City Cakes). Amy Black (Alchemy & Trademark Tattoo) is helping me find environmentally-conscious accessories and attire for our attendants (his older sister and our niece, my younger sister). EcoSkin's Dahlia and American Apparel's bandeau would work. Heidi Story (Heidi Story) will help me create a wedding dress and obi from tussah silk or bamboo. Ideally we'll have plantable invitations; since the two of us are assembling them, we now have an excuse to buy a swing-arm paper cutter! Our centerpieces as of yet are mitsumata branches with ivory, dark violet , and metallic gold origami cranes set in. Here's a priority order of my ethical concerns: handmade / non-chain, recycled / re-useable, naturally-occuring (materials) / biodegradable, fairly-traded, local (extends to U.S.-manufactured), minimally-processed / pesticide & antibiotic-free / organic.
I do not want to remain a laundry list of symptoms, of mental health evaluations. |
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| ebb and flow |
[13th July 2008|10:16 pm] |
The Universe is teaching me how to listen. It's also saying that experience is in constant flux and that my consciousness should not so easily be rattled as it has been before; I have much to accomplish and must maintain my health.
I went to the emergency room last night when during dinner I started to feel the familiar impalement, the radiating pain just below my ribcage. I clutched at pillows and the animals drew nearer. I had heard too much disconcerting talk at the table; I needed to away to convince myself that nothing serious was wrong. For a while I had thought I was diabetic. I thought this pain was focused on my pancreas. While the outcome was a relief compared to the self-diagnosis I feared, getting to it was monumentally frightening and Ercell even drove from Blacksburg to be with me. As it turns out, I have all the makings of a new-forming gastric ulcer. It was probably brought on by copious anxiety and all the pain relievers I have to take when I get migraines.
My Dad suggests yoga after an exciting Google Earth search which revealed a stupa north of Richmond on the James River. He thought it was a Buddhist shrine, and to a lesser degree I suppose it is, but in fact we found it to be Yogaville, a working commune focused on healing and enlightenment through meditative yoga practice. I was admittedly startled and pleased by his remark; I never knew he appreciated alternative medicine. I'm also looking into regular massage, chiropractic, acupuncture & acupressure, and creative counseling therapies.
I'm trying to take it easier with planning this wedding now that I know the consequences of freaking out; I'm much more likely to enjoy the process now. We have a venue, rings, a cake in the works, and our attendants' dresses all lined up. I'm excited to hand-make the invitations and get in touch with a caterer who will work within our means on a custom menu. The Japanese theme is going to be fantastic!
My pillow smells like him. Just 3 more weeks. |
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| beginning to get to me |
[12th July 2008|12:10 am] |
| [ | I see |
| | RVA | ] |
| [ | I feel |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | radiohead | ] |
I need to get back to this; it would alleviate a lot of the anxiety I never noticed before I stopped writing regularly. All the ideas in my mind and in my head are simply too much, and this can be my pensieve until I discover a "real" one. I finished Harry Potter, by the way. It was excellent and J. K. Rowling is a fascinating storyteller, albeit shortcoming on style.
James knows me better than I could have hoped. And just as I am re-realizing that fact, he's leaving for Afghanistan next month. Not only do I not support warfare, interference, and separating hard workers who try to make something stable and respectable of themselves from their friends, he will miss our wedding and my only solace with him gone will be to save a single seat, just for him. We saw Get Smart tonight; it was excellent and much funnier than I expected. *applauds*
My elbows are itchy. What the fuck?
It smells like sushi outside my house. I think it's because Dad cut the grass today. He got an MRI done shortly after that and I'm not sure why. I'm not inviting Randy (my biological father) to our wedding - he is a needy, selfish bastard who is little more than an interesting laugh and sperm to me now. I tried, I really did. Telephone conversations alone made me into something even I hate ... I allowed him to cause me too many panic attacks. I wasted too much energy and will do no more to place my self in negativity's way.
It's one thing to love without receiving ... I am compassionate enough not to be so selfish as to expect the return of any degree of my fondness (which I understand can be quite overwhelming). I only ask that people compromise in allowing me to let my caring manifest itself in whatever way I deem situationally appropriate. I am so tired of caring about people that won't LET ME. I do not aim to reach, for that would be an unworthy and overmotivated goal ... but I can no longer tolerate the blatant ignorance with which some of you push me away and purposefully try so adamantly not to let me in. Perhaps you think it fit for yourself, that's fair; are you not ever-changing and consuming new things? Can you not open your mind as well as your heart, soul even? I love you but enough is enough.
Are you ready? Here it comes : I AM THANKFUL FOR YOU. No matter how ill you've used me, I'm at least thankful for experiencing you.
The only therapy that will ever work for me is typing this message right now. |
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| making a comeback |
[30th April 2008|01:09 pm] |
| [ | I hear |
| | husky rescue - new light of tomorrow | ] |
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| someday you will be loved |
[23rd January 2008|12:26 am] |
Rest in peace, Heathcliff. I look forward to experiencing your last role.
I want to be EMT certified. I'd love for that path (a productive one) to lead to an M.D. degree in Emergency Medicine, or, the still fascinating Obstetrics & Gynecology. But I am in no hurry. I'm a Psychology major as of last week. I am interested in a Speech Therapy (or otherwise psycholinguistic) career. Additionally, I'm looking into sex and gender counseling, American Sign Language interpretation, and programs utilizing animals as healing in times of grief... like when a volunteer association from the West Coast brought dogs to campus after the shootings here last April.
I am so many things. I am so full of life. I hope I can maintain myself physically so that I might be a credit to everything I stand for - especially humanism. I spend a lot of time feeling compelled.
I'm learning not to apologize for the person I am. And that my opinions are valid - I don't need approval to confirm my thoughts and feelings. |
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| pompousness |
[20th December 2007|08:58 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| |  artistic | ] |
I've been involved with Blacksburg United for Responsible Growth for a few months now, supporting its efforts to appeal a court ruling that would allow big-box chain store developers to start zoning and building in a town I love. I'd really hate to see unnecessary, non-local development come to fruition here where I find, for once, local merchants who can actually keep their heads above water in business and then some. I'm proud to be a resident. I'm proud that I shop consciously. I'm proud that I have access to worthy retailers, and that even when I don't, I'm still willing to go any extra distance (or cost) to get egalitarian services, personal considerations, and an overall respect for the well-being of humankind. And, just as a sidenote, I'm in serious debt with my loans, etc., so you shouldn't be thinking for a second, "well, that's nice, but some of us can't afford to shop that way". Seriously. While you may not see the worldwide benefits of your actions, you can still have good faith in doing your best to serve a love for people. The circles of viciousness may only be broken when we decide to stop merely accepting what we see and can easily reach; further yourselves.
And on the subject of pompousness, I'd like to leave you with this little morsel of writing which left a bad taste in my mouth. How harmful and wasteful it must be to go forth in hate.
http://www.roanoke.com/news/nrv/columns/journal/wb/143862 |
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| (no subject) |
[12th December 2007|10:58 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| |  pleased | ] |
I turned 21 yesterday.
Here's my tab so far:
Swedish Lemonade
Long Island Iced Tea
Girl Scout Cookie (shooter)
Pineapple Upside-Down Cake (shooter)
Singapore Sling
Fortune Cookie
Bellini Martini
Amaretto Sour
And they're all SO yummy! |
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| just no; just know. |
[5th December 2007|12:28 am] |
You will never reach everyone you endeavor to. Some people just won't give a shit about you. Humans do not always notice or value real love. Or they will listen closed through all your reasoning, not even looking near your face when they speak to you, and not be fazed by your tears. They will ask you to degrade yourself. Sometimes you dignify the idea. Some of them will refuse you from the first attempt and never be forgiving or empathetic, no matter what your worth or growth. No matter how honest, openly vulnerable, and self-realizing. What you must remember is that it's their loss. If they fail even in compassion for your efforts, fuck them. Who knows when a person like that might turn on their heel? In all your successes, those who have given up on you might crawl back around, thinking somehow that you owe them attention. You can't be everyone's friend, and you shouldn't suffer for your relationships with others. Some people are cruel, and I though I will never know why, I will always remember how.
You don't know me. Don't you dare pretend to.
I feel very sorry for what your life must be lacking. |
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| an alien! |
[3rd December 2007|01:42 am] |
| [ | I feel |
| |  okay | ] |
I'm watching Planet in Peril. I can't stop thinking about it. I want a Body Burden test to find out how many synthetic chemicals comprise my body... and I want to make sure my birds know they're loved and I would never sell them for food, no matter how much money I could make from it. How sickening.
I've had the most skewed sleep schedule of my life recently, so I'm still trying to decide whether or not I want to pull an all-nighter to correct that. I've been knitting like a madwoman, so maybe it's time to give my wrists a rest in trade for reading Harry Potter. But I must say, the Little Silk Shrug is turning out wonderfully! I might be sleepy after all. And just as long as I wake up around 9am, things should work out fine.
I've got lots to read, write, and study for finishing my classes this semester. I will be arming myself with amulets of luck in hopes that I might perform well on my math final and achieve my proper grades for other courses.
I want to have goats and sheep when I have my own property. Hello, yarn! I also would like to learn to spin and dye my own yarn. Yarn Wench, could you teach me?! Haha, I am coming up to New York in the spring, after all... As a lover of business, I'd love to be able to open a yarn shop one day. The name wouldn't be a pun, either *laughs*. I've always looked for opportunities to encourage fair trade, quality service, honest policy, and respectable product. Maybe it would make a difference! |
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| square one |
[27th November 2007|11:38 am] |
| [ | I feel |
| | sad | ] |
Never before today did I realize how misstepped approaches can hurt people. It was sort of like looking into a mirror, all the time wanting to look away. I've never appreciated group work and it doesn't surprise me that it usually turns out less-than-harmoniously, but I've never been approached the way I was today before.
It is easy to tell when people speak before thinking their words through, acting in haste or not expressing reason free from passion. I've been told recently that the way I express myself tends to be unhealthy and, at times, disrespectful. I suppose that if I cannot carefully craft a response to my questions, that it is best to politely refuse or ignore them.
I wouldn't want to be treated the way I sometimes treat others, so I guess here must begin some reconstruction. Self-loathing is not an easy characteristic to acknowledge, but I am famous for being able to deal with my character flaws, adapting anew and learning from mistakes.
While I love speaking freely, openly, and emotionally, the only way to be effective in communication is to give a face value worth receiving. Intent is an evasive creature, so when speaking we should be more careful to avoid potential misunderstanding. I am always open to personal confrontation, but friends tell me I can seem intimidating in manner. I don't always get to grant the clarification that is obviously needed in my encounters.
Then again, how much can I help the way people perceive me? Besides not being quick to anger, what can I do?
This is a problem that follows me like a lost puppy. I so desperately wish to communicate with people, all people, and both garner and develop their respect... but not everyone's aims are such. And some people will never listen.
Preceded by perception are mental states;
For them is perception supreme.
From perception they have sprung.
If, with careful perception, one speaks or acts
Thence ease follows, as a shadow that never departs. - Buddhist proverb |
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| i want to wad you up into my life |
[13th November 2007|11:02 am] |
| [ | I feel |
| | exhausted | ] |
As sure as I am that security notification measures have only recently begun to reveal campus activity to fellow students and myself, Blacksburg sure does seem like a dangerous place these days. What with sexual approaches or assaults, personal robbery, and stabbings/shootings/threats with a weapon, my skin is crawling. I guess it's time to learn basic self-defense, or at least take a trip to the shooting range.
Ugh, I hate it when the library gets loud. It was so quiet when I came in, too :(. What ever happened to the "inside voice" rule?
I am addicted to Katamari Damacy. Ercell and I have owned the game for one week and we've almost beaten the entire thing.
I think I succeeded in finding an initiation dress for Alpha Gam (from Heidi Story, how lucky!), and I'm going to knit the Little Silk Shrug from Lace Style to match. I've found shoes and everything. Oh, but the gown is totally sheer so if you spot a full, strapless, nude-colored slip in your ventures, holler at me.
For my Chaucer paper, I've decided to write about what kind of Feminist the Wife of Bath would be.
Following an indecent, objectifying approach to "dancing" with a fellow Epsilon member at one of our socials, I am satisfied to report my issue with him has been resolved. He made it clear in conference with the officers of that fraternity and me that he did not intend to cause me harm or treat me with any manner of disrespect, and even offered to leave the establishment if it would make me feel more at ease. He made sure to acknowledge and apologize for the incident, which is something I feel good about. As it turns out, he's actually a nice guy.
I am pleased to say I've finally come near coming to terms with accepting that I will not realistically be 100% proud of anything I participate in. We are all slightly faulty and no one knows how to read anyone else, so we just do what makes us feel good. Sometimes those things make other people feel offended. Like prayer and mention of specific religious quality in daily rituals... these ideals do not belong to me but I should not have to alienate myself to feel I am being honorable of my beliefs. I guess I have to practice my personal chants while also being mindful of other ongoing practices.
I suppose I believe in only love, and refrain from methods of thinking that are likely to induce hatefulness of any kind. It is paradoxical, it is hard, and it is mine.
For once, my dreams are actually useful in counseling. They have been quite intriguing lately, I must say. |
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| hm! |
[8th November 2007|11:53 am] |
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What is Your World View?
created with QuizFarm.com |
| You scored as Postmodernist Postmodernism is the belief in complete open interpretation. You see the universe as a collection of information with varying ways of putting it together. There is no absolute truth for you; even the most hardened facts are open to interpretation. Meaning relies on context and even the language you use to describe things should be subject to analysis.
Existentialist |
| 88% | Postmodernist |
| 88% | Materialist |
| 75% | Cultural Creative |
| 75% | Idealist |
| 69% | Romanticist |
| 56% | Modernist |
| 38% | Fundamentalist |
| 19% |
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| paradoxically speaking |
[8th November 2007|11:21 am] |
| [ | I feel |
| | disappointed | ] |
I probably care too much for my own good. Living in the United States, being overly-consumptive, and caring about material possessions way too much... collectively, things like these do not permit people to respect each other the way we should. It is a hard thing to decide to be neutral or moderative given our wide range of options for success in whatever we choose to be important in our lives. I love having and making money because my capitalist background teachings have set high standards for me since I was little. My mother, who could barely afford nutritious food for my sister and me, tried hard to get us toys we didn't need and clothes we felt we should have to fit in. But I guess I never did fit in, because those things were not objects I really cared about... and I still don't understand people who do. What does it matter that you have a brand-name jacket or shoes? Pretty is as pretty does and your personal choices are political, so look like you care. I know it sounds arrogant coming from someone who does happen to enjoy designer handbags and the like, but I am trying. I'm glad I can at least knit some of my own accessories instead of buying the ones that someone was forced to make in Taiwan. I'm also trying to buy American Apparel clothing since I know it's made in the United States. Conditions may not be perfect, but it's a respectable start. At least there are penalties for some immoral practices here. It is a hard thing to try to decide who matters most - the individual, yourself, or others. And for as long as I've wanted to be liked and made many efforts to allow that to happen, it really matters to me how people feel and what they think. But I suppose due to cultural limits and systems of belief no matter what I do out of respect or love, it can always be taken offensively. *sigh* What am I even trying to accomplish? |
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bumbl_be's journal
